Next time I send the card so they can say, "Ooh, Willy sent a card to us. Now we have to send a card back, or else he'll attack us with spoons!"

It's President's Day, the cheap ploy by the United States government to rub their positions in to the faces of those who lost the national election. Oh, sure, President's Day may seem like a harmless little day, but, when you think about it, so was Christmas, and Christmastime is the annual Suicide Holiday. I think I speak for all defeated candidates when I make this threatening hand gesture.
Well, never mind. I'm certainly not going to frown and march into Bush's office with a machete. I'm not going to side with Iraq and start taking innocent hostages, because "let bygones be bygones" is my motto. And I'm definitely not going to dig up Hitler and help him take over the--
(SMACK!)
Thanks, I needed that. The point is that, although a little peeved, I'm perfectly fine.
President's Day dates back to the time of our forefathers, when the Revolutionary War was going on, and many important documents were signed, including the Declaration of Independence, the Magna Carta, and the Scarlet Letter. The American soldiers were fighting to gain independence from Britain, which is a far bolder move than Canada made considering that all it had to do was ask politely. The man in charge of the British Empire, King George III, was a royal screwball. And the British parliament had introduced a great many taxes and acts which we would include here if we remembered our sixth grade history.
In fact all I can remember about my sixth grade history class is a grainy image of my teacher, Mrs. Thornter, saying: "Eeeeek, a MOUSE! Somebody step on it." Then I remember somebody's shoe stomping down on me, and then my memory went for forty years, and what do you know, here we are, talking about President's Day.
In protest of this unfair taxation, the colonists engaged in the Boston Tea Party and a number of battles that you can see in full-length feature films and PBS documentaries by Ken Burns. Then, to celebrate Independence Day, Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, Abraham Lincoln and representatives from all 13 colonies signed the Declaration, after which they drank a lot and played Twister.
After a few years of war and public drunkenness, Britain finally lost control of the United States which, due to the usual war casualties, was reduced to a population of forty-six.
Since then we have had a number of noble presidents, such as George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Lewis N. Clark. And I should be up there, too, YOU KNOW THAT?! I'VE WORKED MY FREAKING TAIL OFF TO RUN THIS CAMPAIGN AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?! NO MEDAL, NO PARADE, NOT EVEN A CARD! YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK! I'M MOVING TO NORWAY, WHERE THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO TREAT A--
(SMACK!!)
Thank you. I desperately need a hobby. Maybe I could invent something wonderful that would change the world forever, and then everybody would HAVE to make me president!


Nah. I'll just buy a hamster clock.