Today's lesson is...
Lately I've been thinking a lot about the English language. This is because recently I received a letter from a woman whom I can identify only as "Julia" because she didn't tell me her last name and there was no return address. And she had a sound reason for not including these things: It contained bad words and insults and a threat including a nail gun and a fur coat. In the letter, supposedly before she goes insane, she makes several comments about her son's trouble with the English language. So here, for the benefit of students everywhere, I will attempt to include some helpful language tips in my blog, in informative question-and-answer format.
Q: How do you use the word subsequently?
A: Subsequently, in layman's terms, means "as a result". It should only ever be used in sentences to link two chronologically related actions, or in corporate speeches to make you sound like you know what you're doing whereas in reality you don't even know how to operate a microwave.
EX: Farmer Bill, 45, was feeling peckish one morning, and subsequently made toast despite the fact that he dislikes plugging anything into an outlet for fear of getting electrocuted. For this reason, he attached the toaster to a generator and a sheet of solar cells, and it subsequently took four hours just to turn it on.
Q: How do I order something at Starbucks?
A: The first step is to locate a Starbucks outlet. By estimate there are currently around 146 million locations operating on my block alone
EX: Farmer Bill went to town for a new bucket. He curiously entered a Starbucks there, only to find hideous decor and prices so high that his eyes nearly popped out of his skull and ran for cover.
Q: No, I mean: All the coffee sizes all have Italian names. How do I order a simple medium-sized cup of coffee?
A: As far as I can remember, you can't. I believe the closest you can get to a medium is something called Narici-Del-Maiale.
EX: Farmer Bill left the Starbucks without even trying the Vescica-Del-Pollo.
Q: What about snobby restaurants? How do I break the code they use there?
A: That "code" is actually the French language. Like the Starbucks people, these restaurants have learned that if they translate their whole menu into French, the people will be more inclined to buy things from it.
EX: About an hour after eating at a new restaurant, and about four minutes before it was sold and turned into a Starbucks, Farmer Bill buys a French translation book and finds out the literal meaning of "potage-de-canneberge-avec-de-vraies-sauterelles-de-phase".
Q: President George W. Bush pronounces the word nuclear like "nucular". Where can I find the origin of this pronounciation?
A: With the Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Q: I have noticed my kids using words like "PWNAGE" on the Internet. Are they illiterate?
A: The good news is that this sort of behavior has been exhibited everywhere in the world, by youths who have grown up with computers and the Internet. By using acronyms like LOL or W00T, they are actually communicating with each other in some strange, demented sort of way. The bad news: Yes.
EX: Listed below are some of the most common acronyms tweens and teenagers use while "communicating" on the Internet.
BTW: By the Way
FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions
HTH: Hope This Helps
IMHO: In My Humble Opinion
LOL: Laughing Out loud
MOF: Matter Of fact
NP: No Problem
ROFL: Rolling On Floor Laughing
ROFLOL: Rolling On Floor Laughing Out Loud
ROTFLSHISMC: Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard I Spilt My Coffee
ROTFLSOIFTHMSMSWIHTCCI: Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard I Forgot To Hide My Secret Marijuana Stash When I Heard The Cops Come In
TBC: To Be Continued
TIA: Thanks In Advance
YKWIM: You Know What I Mean
IWTTDOTMAISIOOTTCWTLSRIYESYFTCYEACOTPCBJAFH
TLNIYMATWHFIHBSFLEHTTOATMTMAATHMWDTWHKP
WTBTIWBFTM: I Went To The Dentist's Office This Morning And I Sat In One Of Those Titanic Chairs Where The Light Shines Right In Your Eye So You're Forced To Close Your Eyes And Concentrate On The Pain Caused By Jamming Approximately Five Hundred Thousand Little Needles In Your Mouth And Then When He Felt I Had Been Screaming For Long Enough He Took Them Out And Told Me To Make An Appointment To Have More Work Done Tomorrow When He Knew Perfectly Well That By Tomorrow I Will Be Fleeing To Mexico
YKTCCIHMWEIDATAHCCBASTIOESFWATDCGIAATIEDAT
AISDGITYFBTCTBTDMTTIAHMDTWAISGMWHLLT : You Know Those Creepy Cellars In Horror Movies Where Everything Is Dark And There Are Huge Cobwebs Created By A Spider That Is, On Estimate, Sixty Feet Wide And The Doomed Character Goes Into An Area That Is Even DARKER, And The Audience Is Shouting, "Don't Go In There, You Fool!" Because They Can Tell By The Dramatic Music That There Is A Homocidal Maniac Down There With An Industrial Staple Gun? My Whole House Looks Like That!
IMPORTANT TIP: Know the letters for a word, and the order in which the letters go. This will make spelling the word that much easier!
USING A DICTIONARY: If you don't know what a word means, simply look it up in the dictionary. There is no better way to end a conversation with your friends than to remark in a genuinely surprised voice, "She put her lips on WHAT?!"
According to a credible historical reenactment by the BBC, the first dictionary was written by Dr. Samuel Johnson on September 24th 1987 and nearly burned by Mr. S. Baldrick. Although it took him a decade of hard work to complete, Dr. Johnson took pride in the fact that he wrote down and defined the entire English language, except for the word sausage. Since that time millions of dictionaries have been printed for schools, and the rest of them have been used as firewood. They might as well just burn them right at the warehouse.
USING A THESAURUS: As the name suggests, this was a dinosaur that lived in prehistoric times. Although generally timid in nature, it will attack if provoked, so remember to follow the golden rule when using a thesaurus:
Q: How do you use the word subsequently?
A: Subsequently, in layman's terms, means "as a result". It should only ever be used in sentences to link two chronologically related actions, or in corporate speeches to make you sound like you know what you're doing whereas in reality you don't even know how to operate a microwave.
EX: Farmer Bill, 45, was feeling peckish one morning, and subsequently made toast despite the fact that he dislikes plugging anything into an outlet for fear of getting electrocuted. For this reason, he attached the toaster to a generator and a sheet of solar cells, and it subsequently took four hours just to turn it on.
Q: How do I order something at Starbucks?
A: The first step is to locate a Starbucks outlet. By estimate there are currently around 146 million locations operating on my block alone
EX: Farmer Bill went to town for a new bucket. He curiously entered a Starbucks there, only to find hideous decor and prices so high that his eyes nearly popped out of his skull and ran for cover.
Q: No, I mean: All the coffee sizes all have Italian names. How do I order a simple medium-sized cup of coffee?
A: As far as I can remember, you can't. I believe the closest you can get to a medium is something called Narici-Del-Maiale.
EX: Farmer Bill left the Starbucks without even trying the Vescica-Del-Pollo.
Q: What about snobby restaurants? How do I break the code they use there?
A: That "code" is actually the French language. Like the Starbucks people, these restaurants have learned that if they translate their whole menu into French, the people will be more inclined to buy things from it.
EX: About an hour after eating at a new restaurant, and about four minutes before it was sold and turned into a Starbucks, Farmer Bill buys a French translation book and finds out the literal meaning of "potage-de-canneberge-avec-de-vraies-sauterelles-de-phase".
Q: President George W. Bush pronounces the word nuclear like "nucular". Where can I find the origin of this pronounciation?
A: With the Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Q: I have noticed my kids using words like "PWNAGE" on the Internet. Are they illiterate?
A: The good news is that this sort of behavior has been exhibited everywhere in the world, by youths who have grown up with computers and the Internet. By using acronyms like LOL or W00T, they are actually communicating with each other in some strange, demented sort of way. The bad news: Yes.
EX: Listed below are some of the most common acronyms tweens and teenagers use while "communicating" on the Internet.
BTW: By the Way
FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions
HTH: Hope This Helps
IMHO: In My Humble Opinion
LOL: Laughing Out loud
MOF: Matter Of fact
NP: No Problem
ROFL: Rolling On Floor Laughing
ROFLOL: Rolling On Floor Laughing Out Loud
ROTFLSHISMC: Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard I Spilt My Coffee
ROTFLSOIFTHMSMSWIHTCCI: Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard I Forgot To Hide My Secret Marijuana Stash When I Heard The Cops Come In
TBC: To Be Continued
TIA: Thanks In Advance
YKWIM: You Know What I Mean
IWTTDOTMAISIOOTTCWTLSRIYESYFTCYEACOTPCBJAFH
TLNIYMATWHFIHBSFLEHTTOATMTMAATHMWDTWHKP
WTBTIWBFTM: I Went To The Dentist's Office This Morning And I Sat In One Of Those Titanic Chairs Where The Light Shines Right In Your Eye So You're Forced To Close Your Eyes And Concentrate On The Pain Caused By Jamming Approximately Five Hundred Thousand Little Needles In Your Mouth And Then When He Felt I Had Been Screaming For Long Enough He Took Them Out And Told Me To Make An Appointment To Have More Work Done Tomorrow When He Knew Perfectly Well That By Tomorrow I Will Be Fleeing To Mexico
YKTCCIHMWEIDATAHCCBASTIOESFWATDCGIAATIEDAT
AISDGITYFBTCTBTDMTTIAHMDTWAISGMWHLLT : You Know Those Creepy Cellars In Horror Movies Where Everything Is Dark And There Are Huge Cobwebs Created By A Spider That Is, On Estimate, Sixty Feet Wide And The Doomed Character Goes Into An Area That Is Even DARKER, And The Audience Is Shouting, "Don't Go In There, You Fool!" Because They Can Tell By The Dramatic Music That There Is A Homocidal Maniac Down There With An Industrial Staple Gun? My Whole House Looks Like That!
IMPORTANT TIP: Know the letters for a word, and the order in which the letters go. This will make spelling the word that much easier!
USING A DICTIONARY: If you don't know what a word means, simply look it up in the dictionary. There is no better way to end a conversation with your friends than to remark in a genuinely surprised voice, "She put her lips on WHAT?!"
According to a credible historical reenactment by the BBC, the first dictionary was written by Dr. Samuel Johnson on September 24th 1987 and nearly burned by Mr. S. Baldrick. Although it took him a decade of hard work to complete, Dr. Johnson took pride in the fact that he wrote down and defined the entire English language, except for the word sausage. Since that time millions of dictionaries have been printed for schools, and the rest of them have been used as firewood. They might as well just burn them right at the warehouse.
USING A THESAURUS: As the name suggests, this was a dinosaur that lived in prehistoric times. Although generally timid in nature, it will attack if provoked, so remember to follow the golden rule when using a thesaurus:
If you don't bother it, it won't bother you
Well, that's it for this week. Remember to read next week, when I'll be showing YOU how to write the perfect 500-word essay. And "Julia", if you're watching, I'd just like to let you know that the current demand for a weaselskin coat is currently only a couple hundred dollars, so I think you'd make more money by skinning your husband instead.
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