Mother Nature in All Her Beauty
I'm sick of all the spam I get in my inbox these days.
And, as usual, my opening statement has absolutely nothing to do with the contents of the actual post. It's about physical fitness.
Physical fitness is important nowadays because what with everything on the Internet--mp3's, Flash animation, porno-- there's no actual reason to go outside anymore. I mean, think about it: In the old days, you used to get up, go outside, and there's Mother Nature in all her beauty. By "beauty", I of course mean:
- damp, depressing weather
- mud
- the kind of sullen sky that makes you wonder if you'll ever see the sun again
- earthworms
If you went to a National Park expecting to see some bears and such, you would set up camp, get the tent ready, and make one of those bonehead contraptions where you have your backpack full of food and you tie it from a string between two trees, and this is supposed to stop bears from getting it, right? As you know from seeing all those Great Outdoors shows on television, bears occur naturally out here. As your six-year-olds know from children's television shows with names like Ernie the Executioner, bears come out of Mommy Bears. So imagine the surprise when you find out that, ha ha, there ARE no bears around here. Sure, there were bears here last Tuesday, but they were getting complaints, so the Park Rangers had to shoot them. Instead, you face a more sinister enemy: the raccoon. The raccoon, as we all know, is an animal the size of a small cat and generally creates havoc by opening garbage bags. You'd see headlines like "Raccoon Team Blamed in Block Bag-Opening Wave", and you'd immediately say, in a particularly sarcastic tone of voice, "What kind of heartless fiend could do that to a bag?", tiny particles of spit literally spewing from the corners of your mouth as you try not to burst into laughter and make the person sitting next to you on the TTC streetcar feel uncomfortable. (Little do you realise that he is the only other person ON the streetcar. Every other passenger has already taken his or her life in a comical and/or stupid way, and the passenger beside you, being in a window seat, is literally trapped and may attempt to jump out the windows despite the fact that they are open not more than four inches each.) Well, these are not those raccoons. These are giant, scary creatures of the night, with sharp teeth, glowing eyes, and furred skins that make a really nice hat. Raccoons are unfortunately also very clever. If you set up one of these stupid tree contraptions they will simply cut the rope with their claws. If you instead use metal to secure the food they will just walk along the bar. If you find a way to distort the laws of gravity and make the food hover in the air, they will arrive by helicopter. They are ALWAYS watching. Right now, there's a camera in your wall. See, right in the corner of that picture frame? Well, they're watching you from underground television sets, not even wearing their little masks, and laughing at you. If we ever want to start communicating with alien life, we should send a probe to drop backpacks full of Doritos on other planets. The raccoons will find a way to get it. But the point is, you never see any bears. You just see ordinary, forest-like trees, with lots of little bugs on them. You would encounter just the same phenomenon if you held a magnifying glass up to your armpit. The people from the nature programs probably hired some guy in a suit.
So why should you go outside? Ever? Why don't they just start working on the problem of teleportation? Because, and I say this in the nicest way possible, you're fat. In today's society, everyone's fat. If you want to be admirable today, you have to weigh no more than a postage stamp. So, what's the best way to LOSE this fat? Well, there are three basic ways:
1. Regular exercise.
Oh, God no.
2. Joining a Gym
This is essentially the same as regular exercise, except that it costs $3000 a month and has no air conditioning. Inside a gym, you will find lots of fitness equipment, such as the treadmill. The treadmill is a machine primarily used for milling treads, a practice common in the eleventh century. You stand on it, and suddenly, as if by magic, it sends you flying into a wall at 200 miles per hour. These machines will eventually build up your muscles until you look exactly like Mr. Universe, except of course for the unearthly smell. WARNING: Long periods of repetitive exercise will likely make you sweat more than usual. This is good. It's basically the same concept as a sauna: when you start to sweat, you remove all your clothes and wait for the management, other bodybuilders, police, etc., to assist you. In sweating, your body excretes foreign objects that may have found their way into your body via miniature camper vans. Unfortunately, these objects have to go somewhere, so all those machines that make you lie on your back should be desperately avoided, because you'll basically be sitting in dried puddles of other peoples' sweat and foreign objects.
TIP: To save money, you can just order one of these machines through the mail. They're available online, and on TV Infomercials where Jim, an average forty-year-old, is playing volleyball with a bunch of twenty-year-old women.
JIM: I used to be fat and flabby. Then I got Bowflex's SuperMaxPlusExtraTurboUltimateBaddaBingBaddaBoomIYamWhatIYamX3750A 2! I started noticing results immediately! One result was that certain sections of my skin started falling off in slabs the size and shape of French Toast. I've gained over 200 pounds of muscle, and generally can't fit through a doorway. I even have more energy. I'm in the best shape of my life!
ANNOUNCER: Call today for the SuperMaxPlusExtraTurboUltraYabbaDabbaDoX9284290A IV! This revolutionary machine by Bowflex, a name YOU can trust, will give any man at least 150 pounds of muscle, as well as additional arms and eyeballs!
(Picture of an old man with Hulk-like abs)
ANNOUNCER: Call today for the SuperMaxPlusExtraTurboUltraPowerThunderWhatchuTalkinBoutWillisXXJFA9SDFYFSNBFS8S9HAA8 12 Series, and REVOLUTIONIZE YOUR LIFE!
JIM: I'm forty years old, and I'm in the best shape of my life!
(Jim's body starts to bulge)
JIM: Oh, dear God! Not AGAIN!
(Jim's body explodes)
Once one of these things arrives at your door and you've sold your firstborn son to cover the VISA bill, drag it downstairs and assemble it. By the time you're finished lifting the machine, you should already have an extra 20 pounds of muscles. The training has begun!
HOW TO USE YOUR HOME EXERCISE MACHINE: Go to Radio Shack and buy one of those little tiny television sets they make, then install it on the top of your exercise machine, in whichever direction you will likely be facing when you use it. Turn the television on and press the channel scan button. Every time you see something you dislike, yell into the air, and start using the machine. Your main motivation is imagining what it will be like when you're able to crush that thing in your bare hands. BE CAREFUL: If you have purchased a treadmill, do not purchase a television set. Every time you see that soap opera about the chimpanzee and burst out laughing you run the risk that you could lose concentration and stop running and fall off the end and break your neck, thereby voiding your warranty.
3. Liposuction
This is the marvellous new cosmetic surgery in which they stick a tube directly into your stomach and suck out all the fat, as well as some minor organs. Beware: This surgery is rather expensive. The actual surgery, of course, is relatively inexpensive, but then the doctors sometimes blackmail you. And you had better meet their demands, or, trust me, you'll never get your left lung back. If you're asking the reasonable question, Where does the fat go?, the answer is simple: Have you ever wondered why, although the Lunchables pepperoni tastes good, it never seems to be composed of materials found on the immediate planet?
Once you have selected your fat-reducing method, go to Wal-Mart and pick out all the non-perishable foods you can find. The best kind are the ones with nutritional labels that look like this:
NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION
Food....................................................1 g
As we all know, natural food is a bad thing, because it contains tiny things called "carbs", which, upon entering your body, travel to your legs via your bloodstream, and then exclaim to your thigh cells, "Hey! It's time to get bulgy again!" Whereupon your brain thinks, "Oh, my God! My legs are inflating as we speak! Time to go back to the gym!"
Now that you are only about half of your birth weight, it's time to keep it that way. That's why you need to join a sports team. There are many teams around, competing in different tournaments and different sports. Occasionally, two teams competing against each other in a tournament will be playing different sports, but that is just an example of how competitive your team will be. Before joining any team, you have to decide which sport is right for you. There are a great many to choose from.
Baseball is "America's pastime", just like cricket is "Britain's crumpet of entertainment", or like World War I was "a good thing". If you wish to know how Baseball works, study the romantic comedy Fever Pitch, which should be in theatres right now. The movie is about a woman who meets a guy and starts to fall in love with him. But there's a problem: He's a Red Sox fan. At the end of the movie we find out that she is an axe-murderer and hacks the World Series-winning team to little tiny pieces the size of m & m's, but then the guy starts watching
Football is a favourite sport among men. It's simply so invigorating (random marketing term) for men to watch the action, the stars, the heroes, the bones sticking out of peoples' legs, etc. Football was created centuries ago when a group of thugs in some sort of cult figured out that one of their enemies really liked the NFL. So they stuck a football inside a hat signed "Tom Landry" (random football term) and threw it in front of their enemy. When this enemy ran for the ball, the cult members ran after him, tackled him, broke every bone (random medical term) on his body, and left him to die on a bench. This is pretty much where we stand today. This sport is not to be confused with the game of
Soccer is almost like a cult sport. Every few years they have a World Cup in which every single country participates: Canada, the United States, Mexico, Britain, France, Japan, Germany, Australia, those third-world countries where all the actual players are amputees, Atlantis, etc. There have been numerous reports of people cutting off their genitals to show appreciation for their favourite teams, and many players of this and many other sports have often used firearms during the game as a way of saying "Thanks but no thanks". There is also indoor soccer, which is soccer that is played indoors. Another game you play indoors is
Basketball is a sport that very tall people play. You bounce a ball up and down, and there is a rule against something called "travelling" that hardcore fans are always talking about. Travelling is when a player holds the ball and runs without bouncing it for up to 2000 miles before the referee, who is of course blind and deaf, starts asking people what time the game starts. The referee is also often insane in
Hockey is a game that toothless Canadian people play. Since the cancellation of the NHL season they have mostly sat around their homes drinking Windex, but this has not stopped the amateur leagues from catering to both their viewers' needs.
NOTE: If this is an option, you should try out for professional hide-and-seek.
Now that you know what sport you want to play, you have to decide what league you want to be in. I would suggest a children's league, the advantage being that it is undoubtedly easy to win. The disadvantage is, of course, that some of those children have really sharp fingernails.
Just keep following these instructions and I can assure you that you learn to get fit and stay that way!
SAFETY NOTE: If you DO get on a kids' team, watch out for Ralph. He bites.
And, as usual, my opening statement has absolutely nothing to do with the contents of the actual post. It's about physical fitness.
Physical fitness is important nowadays because what with everything on the Internet--mp3's, Flash animation, porno-- there's no actual reason to go outside anymore. I mean, think about it: In the old days, you used to get up, go outside, and there's Mother Nature in all her beauty. By "beauty", I of course mean:
- damp, depressing weather
- mud
- the kind of sullen sky that makes you wonder if you'll ever see the sun again
- earthworms
If you went to a National Park expecting to see some bears and such, you would set up camp, get the tent ready, and make one of those bonehead contraptions where you have your backpack full of food and you tie it from a string between two trees, and this is supposed to stop bears from getting it, right? As you know from seeing all those Great Outdoors shows on television, bears occur naturally out here. As your six-year-olds know from children's television shows with names like Ernie the Executioner, bears come out of Mommy Bears. So imagine the surprise when you find out that, ha ha, there ARE no bears around here. Sure, there were bears here last Tuesday, but they were getting complaints, so the Park Rangers had to shoot them. Instead, you face a more sinister enemy: the raccoon. The raccoon, as we all know, is an animal the size of a small cat and generally creates havoc by opening garbage bags. You'd see headlines like "Raccoon Team Blamed in Block Bag-Opening Wave", and you'd immediately say, in a particularly sarcastic tone of voice, "What kind of heartless fiend could do that to a bag?", tiny particles of spit literally spewing from the corners of your mouth as you try not to burst into laughter and make the person sitting next to you on the TTC streetcar feel uncomfortable. (Little do you realise that he is the only other person ON the streetcar. Every other passenger has already taken his or her life in a comical and/or stupid way, and the passenger beside you, being in a window seat, is literally trapped and may attempt to jump out the windows despite the fact that they are open not more than four inches each.) Well, these are not those raccoons. These are giant, scary creatures of the night, with sharp teeth, glowing eyes, and furred skins that make a really nice hat. Raccoons are unfortunately also very clever. If you set up one of these stupid tree contraptions they will simply cut the rope with their claws. If you instead use metal to secure the food they will just walk along the bar. If you find a way to distort the laws of gravity and make the food hover in the air, they will arrive by helicopter. They are ALWAYS watching. Right now, there's a camera in your wall. See, right in the corner of that picture frame? Well, they're watching you from underground television sets, not even wearing their little masks, and laughing at you. If we ever want to start communicating with alien life, we should send a probe to drop backpacks full of Doritos on other planets. The raccoons will find a way to get it. But the point is, you never see any bears. You just see ordinary, forest-like trees, with lots of little bugs on them. You would encounter just the same phenomenon if you held a magnifying glass up to your armpit. The people from the nature programs probably hired some guy in a suit.
So why should you go outside? Ever? Why don't they just start working on the problem of teleportation? Because, and I say this in the nicest way possible, you're fat. In today's society, everyone's fat. If you want to be admirable today, you have to weigh no more than a postage stamp. So, what's the best way to LOSE this fat? Well, there are three basic ways:
1. Regular exercise.
Oh, God no.
2. Joining a Gym
This is essentially the same as regular exercise, except that it costs $3000 a month and has no air conditioning. Inside a gym, you will find lots of fitness equipment, such as the treadmill. The treadmill is a machine primarily used for milling treads, a practice common in the eleventh century. You stand on it, and suddenly, as if by magic, it sends you flying into a wall at 200 miles per hour. These machines will eventually build up your muscles until you look exactly like Mr. Universe, except of course for the unearthly smell. WARNING: Long periods of repetitive exercise will likely make you sweat more than usual. This is good. It's basically the same concept as a sauna: when you start to sweat, you remove all your clothes and wait for the management, other bodybuilders, police, etc., to assist you. In sweating, your body excretes foreign objects that may have found their way into your body via miniature camper vans. Unfortunately, these objects have to go somewhere, so all those machines that make you lie on your back should be desperately avoided, because you'll basically be sitting in dried puddles of other peoples' sweat and foreign objects.
TIP: To save money, you can just order one of these machines through the mail. They're available online, and on TV Infomercials where Jim, an average forty-year-old, is playing volleyball with a bunch of twenty-year-old women.
JIM: I used to be fat and flabby. Then I got Bowflex's SuperMaxPlusExtraTurboUltimateBaddaBingBaddaBoomIYamWhatIYamX3750A 2! I started noticing results immediately! One result was that certain sections of my skin started falling off in slabs the size and shape of French Toast. I've gained over 200 pounds of muscle, and generally can't fit through a doorway. I even have more energy. I'm in the best shape of my life!
ANNOUNCER: Call today for the SuperMaxPlusExtraTurboUltraYabbaDabbaDoX9284290A IV! This revolutionary machine by Bowflex, a name YOU can trust, will give any man at least 150 pounds of muscle, as well as additional arms and eyeballs!
(Picture of an old man with Hulk-like abs)
ANNOUNCER: Call today for the SuperMaxPlusExtraTurboUltraPowerThunderWhatchuTalkinBoutWillisXXJFA9SDFYFSNBFS8S9HAA8 12 Series, and REVOLUTIONIZE YOUR LIFE!
JIM: I'm forty years old, and I'm in the best shape of my life!
(Jim's body starts to bulge)
JIM: Oh, dear God! Not AGAIN!
(Jim's body explodes)
Once one of these things arrives at your door and you've sold your firstborn son to cover the VISA bill, drag it downstairs and assemble it. By the time you're finished lifting the machine, you should already have an extra 20 pounds of muscles. The training has begun!
HOW TO USE YOUR HOME EXERCISE MACHINE: Go to Radio Shack and buy one of those little tiny television sets they make, then install it on the top of your exercise machine, in whichever direction you will likely be facing when you use it. Turn the television on and press the channel scan button. Every time you see something you dislike, yell into the air, and start using the machine. Your main motivation is imagining what it will be like when you're able to crush that thing in your bare hands. BE CAREFUL: If you have purchased a treadmill, do not purchase a television set. Every time you see that soap opera about the chimpanzee and burst out laughing you run the risk that you could lose concentration and stop running and fall off the end and break your neck, thereby voiding your warranty.
3. Liposuction
This is the marvellous new cosmetic surgery in which they stick a tube directly into your stomach and suck out all the fat, as well as some minor organs. Beware: This surgery is rather expensive. The actual surgery, of course, is relatively inexpensive, but then the doctors sometimes blackmail you. And you had better meet their demands, or, trust me, you'll never get your left lung back. If you're asking the reasonable question, Where does the fat go?, the answer is simple: Have you ever wondered why, although the Lunchables pepperoni tastes good, it never seems to be composed of materials found on the immediate planet?
Once you have selected your fat-reducing method, go to Wal-Mart and pick out all the non-perishable foods you can find. The best kind are the ones with nutritional labels that look like this:
NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION
Food....................................................1 g
As we all know, natural food is a bad thing, because it contains tiny things called "carbs", which, upon entering your body, travel to your legs via your bloodstream, and then exclaim to your thigh cells, "Hey! It's time to get bulgy again!" Whereupon your brain thinks, "Oh, my God! My legs are inflating as we speak! Time to go back to the gym!"
Now that you are only about half of your birth weight, it's time to keep it that way. That's why you need to join a sports team. There are many teams around, competing in different tournaments and different sports. Occasionally, two teams competing against each other in a tournament will be playing different sports, but that is just an example of how competitive your team will be. Before joining any team, you have to decide which sport is right for you. There are a great many to choose from.
Baseball is "America's pastime", just like cricket is "Britain's crumpet of entertainment", or like World War I was "a good thing". If you wish to know how Baseball works, study the romantic comedy Fever Pitch, which should be in theatres right now. The movie is about a woman who meets a guy and starts to fall in love with him. But there's a problem: He's a Red Sox fan. At the end of the movie we find out that she is an axe-murderer and hacks the World Series-winning team to little tiny pieces the size of m & m's, but then the guy starts watching
Football is a favourite sport among men. It's simply so invigorating (random marketing term) for men to watch the action, the stars, the heroes, the bones sticking out of peoples' legs, etc. Football was created centuries ago when a group of thugs in some sort of cult figured out that one of their enemies really liked the NFL. So they stuck a football inside a hat signed "Tom Landry" (random football term) and threw it in front of their enemy. When this enemy ran for the ball, the cult members ran after him, tackled him, broke every bone (random medical term) on his body, and left him to die on a bench. This is pretty much where we stand today. This sport is not to be confused with the game of
Soccer is almost like a cult sport. Every few years they have a World Cup in which every single country participates: Canada, the United States, Mexico, Britain, France, Japan, Germany, Australia, those third-world countries where all the actual players are amputees, Atlantis, etc. There have been numerous reports of people cutting off their genitals to show appreciation for their favourite teams, and many players of this and many other sports have often used firearms during the game as a way of saying "Thanks but no thanks". There is also indoor soccer, which is soccer that is played indoors. Another game you play indoors is
Basketball is a sport that very tall people play. You bounce a ball up and down, and there is a rule against something called "travelling" that hardcore fans are always talking about. Travelling is when a player holds the ball and runs without bouncing it for up to 2000 miles before the referee, who is of course blind and deaf, starts asking people what time the game starts. The referee is also often insane in
Hockey is a game that toothless Canadian people play. Since the cancellation of the NHL season they have mostly sat around their homes drinking Windex, but this has not stopped the amateur leagues from catering to both their viewers' needs.
NOTE: If this is an option, you should try out for professional hide-and-seek.
Now that you know what sport you want to play, you have to decide what league you want to be in. I would suggest a children's league, the advantage being that it is undoubtedly easy to win. The disadvantage is, of course, that some of those children have really sharp fingernails.
Just keep following these instructions and I can assure you that you learn to get fit and stay that way!
SAFETY NOTE: If you DO get on a kids' team, watch out for Ralph. He bites.
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