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We will get to our main topic soon enough, but first I just want to put in a little note about astrology.
Do you believe in astrology? Don't answer that. Of course you believe in astrology. You believe in it just about at thoroughly as you believe that great things could have happened if we just gave the Nazi party another chance. And yet these predictions are popping up everywhere. Astrology is about as sound a science as experimenting with severed frog's legs to see if they will ever jump again, or (this is the exciting bit) do the hokey-pokey. The most popular outlet for astrology is called the horoscope, which is where you will find advice on your life in three different areas:

1. It's a very good day today.
2. The cosmic energies say that it's a very good day today.
3. It's a good day today to spend time with your significant other.

We believe in scarier things, like the undead, or the disturbing contents of the Neverland Ranch. And each horoscope is evidentially created via the time-tested method of making it up. There are thousands of popular horoscopes, each with a message like this:

GEPETTO (FEBRUARY 30-FEBRUARY 30 2:30 P.M.)--Remove the last slices of your twelve-year-old wedding cake from the freezer and eat the plastic bride and groom. If you do not wish your significant other to find out, replace them with Barbie dolls.

Not to mention the fortune cookies, which all have Chinese proverbs, such as "You don't need three tractors to eat a snake." But which should we all believe? So, like with all my web dillemmas, I asked Jeeves. Jeeves, as you remember, is the butler at www.ask.com. Jeeves has always been a big help to me, because of his outstanding flexibility. For example, if you were to ask him, "Jeeves, if Train A leaves Chicago at 2:00 P.M., and Train B leaves Dallas on the same route at 8:00 A.M. Texas time, and there are fifteen evenly placed stops along the 200 000-mile track, and nine people leave the halfway-loaded fifteen-car passenger compartments each stop but twice as many people get on as got on at the first stop, and somewhere in the middle the trains meet up and the person in charge of railway safety starts drinking then how many corpses would the Department of Transportation have to peel off the sidewalk?", he would tell you, in a nice, comforting little box, that you most definitely need to get a life.
In this case I typed in "fortune cookie", and Jeeves directed me to a site, http://www.badcookie.com, where you can get a virtual fortune by cracking open a virtual cookie. Then virtual waiters bring virtual bills and virtually charge you for virtual table five's expensive virtual dinner when in fact all you had was the virtual salad and every virtual person there knows it. They gave me a great list of fortunes, including:

• "It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."
• "Nice and soft words indicate a weak cause."
• "Get stuffed."
• "Now is not the time to try something new."
• "You will be showered with bad luck."
• "Soon broken necks serve as justice."
• "You have a reputation for being deceitful and treacherous."
• "You have a reputation for being a complete arse."
• "If you continually give you will continually have nothing."
• "If you continually have nothing loan sharks may continually shoot you."
• "You will have social problems within your home."
• "You will have plumbing problems within your home."
• "A friend is a present you can buy yourself."
• "You have a poor sense of humor and don't know a good time."
• "You have a good sense of humor and don't know a good time."
• "You will be bitten by a radioactive spider."
• "Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving where you can't find them."

Good to know!
Of course, people rely on other methods of fortune telling as well. For example, the Magic 8 Ball. This has been a popular Mattel toy for years now. The only problem is--follow me closely here--it doesn't work. The way these things are designed, when you shake them one side is supposed to float up to a little glass slide in the eight ball and give you a fortune based on a yes or no question. Unfortunately, it is structured in such a way that the ink never completely leaves the facing side, and you can just make out "AS I SET IT BEN" after moving it around a bit. So in order to compare it to the fortune cookie, I asked it, "Do I have social problems?", based on the fortune, "You will have social problems within your home." The answer, of course, was: MY HOSES ARE LOW. That clears that up!

Well, anyway, I did have a topic to discuss, and it is (amusing fanfare: dum-dada-DUUUM!) chicken. I was watching The Hour last night and they had a story on this. The Hour, as everyone knows is a very popular program on CBC NewsWorld, and is hosted by a man whose last name I can't spell even with the aid of sodium pentothal. What makes this show so unique is that most other news programs--take The National with Kevin Newman--consist of a mix of the following elements:

Standard newsreader voices
Suits costing more than small European countries
Co-anchors
Special Correspondents
On Location
Newsroom with lots of busy researchers on computers, playing Spider Solitaire
Theme music, either with a traditional news theme or as played with rockin' electric guitars
Stories on politics, war, and third-world countries whose inhabitants only look so miserable and depressing because their civilization has not yet thought of swatting the flies that crawl up their noses

Whereas The Hour consists of:

George Strompompombomompobopolous
No suits
A relaxed studio
People communicating via television set. We don't know where they are, but they could be absolutely anywhere: New York, Florida, Hollywood, Vancouver, Moscow, the studio, inside the actual TV set, etc.

George Stroumbolumpumpumdolous was hosting a live edition of The Hour last night in Vancouver, where many people (gasp) were actually let out of the television sets. They even had a studio audience. And they just briefly mentioned--in Mile a Minute, I believe--chicken.
This is no ordinary lump of chicken. You may remember a few months or weeks ago or whatever, that someone was selling a hamburger that looked like the Virgin Mary? Or it could have been Kelly Ripa. Or a magnification of a large bug splat. There was really no way to tell, because this was a hamburger bun, and it had been sitting in this lady's freezer for over ten years. Soon enough it would have demanded the right to vote. Well, according to the people who put this precious item up on eBay, this chicken breast looks like Pope John Paul II, who has apparently come back to life as a chicken and rather unfortunately been sold to M&M Meat Shops. Their website is http://www.popechickenbreast.com/. And what's more this incredible phenomenon has been proven! Samples of this chicken breast have been sent to the Vatican (a man in his late forties), whose only official statement up to this point has been:

"It tastes just like him."
SOURCE: ABC NEWS

Think about it: For dinner tonight you could be eating a reincarnation of Pope John Paul II. KFC should get in on this deal. Especially because since the auction started the price has ballooned from 99 cents to--just as I'm writing this--$162 American. Rest assured, they tell us that this is the only celebrity chicken breast on eBay right now! (Let's keep it that way...)
If you want to bid, there are only 2 days left for the auction. And if you are planning to bid, just take this advice: You will be unfortunate in all things you put your hands to.