Major Announcement
Thank you, you people in the media, for attending this meeting.
Before we get started, I just want to point out two links from Ananova, which explain why the Chinese use the same word for crisis as they do for opportunity.
The media has sure been busy this week. This is because the media is always busy. When thermonuclear war wipes out all life on Earth except cockroaches, the cockroaches in media buildings will be busy. They will be busy as bees, crawling all over, and broadcasting new surprising exposes on their favourite lint-covered potato chips, stating that a certain chemical included boosts wing performance. I won't even get into the new President's addresses. But I am thinking of one picture in particular here. Just try and guess. It was on a tabloid. You've heard about it all week.
(PAUSE.)
Yes! That's right! I am of course referring to the headline, "SOLDIER FROZEN IN 1942 IS ALIVE!", which can be seen in supermarkets everywhere. This is a Big Story. Of course, the Weekly World News didn't seem to think "EARTH WILL SPLIT IN HALF IN 2 MONTHS!" was very interesting or important, so it occupies just a small portion of the front page. But you might also have noticed The Sun's picture of Saddam Hussein in his underwear. You couldn't have missed it. Not only was it a front-page story, but it was repeatedly shown on news programs and poked fun at by late-night talk show hosts. We know what you women are thinking: You're thinking that this is an outrage. Not only does this cost Saddam his dignity, but it is a breach of his privacy and therefore poorly demonstrates this American judicial system that we so bravely invaded a country and killed everybody for. We also know what you men are thinking: "How does he get his underwear so clean?" This is a man who was living in a hole without even a miniature television set, and yet compared to your boxers his laundry could be the next David. I have compiled an comparing presentation here.
(NOTE: Presentation is more compatible with Internet Explorer than other browsers. This is a well-known fact. Anybody who has ever read a horoscope knows that in addition to a forecast they make you read through compatibility, which lists obscure explanations, such as "Sagittarius is compatible with Pocahontas because they have a deep understanding with each other. The moon, when rising over Venus, causes Pocahontas to look a little more white, signalling that you should murder the Sagittarius in his sleep. However, if the moon rises over Venus during a solar eclipse, you can just take your Sagittarius mate outside and tell him to look at the beautiful sunset. If it rises over Venus during a lunar eclipse, you should howl at the moon, create a powerful weapon that brings people back from the dead, and lead a vicious bloody battle with hordes of evil flesh-eating zombies. If you cannot create such a weapon, Christopher Lloyd will work just as well. If you feel like it, break into other people's homes while they are sleeping and forcibly remove their kidneys with a flaming..." And so on.)
So how does Saddam get his underwear so clean? Federally-employed homemakers. Women wash all his clothes. If he, or another man, were to do his own laundry it would end up smelling like the New York Sewer System, only slightly worse.
The First Woman
SOURCE: The National Inquirer
The story of the First Woman depends on who you believe, the Darwin version or the Genesis version. I like to believe the Genesis version because of the fear that if I do not the planet may be subject to a direct asteroid hit, leaving the only remains of planet Earth to be satellites with "Made in China" labels.
According to this story, God created a man, named Adam. Adam had a very nice childhood, but was never paid any attention to by ladies. Particularly because there weren't any. So one night, Adam prayed to God. This was surprisingly easy to do, because he knew God's private phone number.*
"God," he said, "I want a wife."
"Yeah?" replied God. "Well, I want a Ferrari but you don't hear me complaining."
So God decided to remove on of Adam's ribs. Adam was not exactly happy about this, particularly because all God had in the way of reference was a copy of Home Surgery for Dummies and a few episodes of ER.
The next day, Adam was sitting in the garden, when he met the most wonderful creature he had ever seen.
"Hello," it said. "My name is Eve."
"Hi, Eve!" exclaimed Adam, overjoyed. "Could you please fold my shirts?"
Luckily for Eve, the first lawyer had just crawled out of the sea. They were divorced in twenty minutes.
But not all was well. One day, God called on Adam and Eve.
"See that tree over there?" he asked, pointing at it with his giant fingers. "Don't eat its apples."
"Why not?" asked Adam.
"Well, um..." said God. "Uh... Because I said so!"
Soon after a snake slithered up to Adam and Eve.
"You know why God doesn't want you to eat his apples?" asked the snake. "It's because these are the fruit of knowledge. Take one bite of these and you shall see the truth: That your hair is dirty and that your fingernails are black and the fact that you each have enormous zits on your nose that could be presented as monsters in black and white Japanese movies."
"Oh, dear God!" screamed Eve. "And OXY won't be invented for thousands of years!"
So they quickly ate the apples.
"I'm naked!" exclaimed Adam. He looked at Eve, who was also naked. "Ooh, this marriage just got interesting!"
God was looking at this through a pair of giant binoculars and gave out a roar that echoed throughout the world.
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" He yelled. "Those were for my wife's bridge game! I hereby condemn each of you to a life of personal hell! Adam! I decree that you be forced to watch sports all year until you die or have seen 1 million people with bones sticking out of their legs!"
"No! Not sports!" Adam cried. "Oh, wait..."
"Eve!" God continued. "I decree that you must fulfill the duties of cooking, cleaning, and all other housework for all eternity!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" she screamed. She turned and pointed to the snake, who was quietly slithering off to hide. "What about him?"
God took out his giant magnifying glass and pointed it over the snake.
"AAAAAGGGHHHH! Oh bugger!" said the snake as the sun burnt him to a crisp.
The point I am trying to make is that what with stories like these, our news is less trustworthy than ever. And thanks to the Internet, totally fake stories can make the real national news. So I don't want any rumours told about me, you people in the media. I'm on to you! Thank you.
The Actual Announcement
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, thank you. I have frequently been asked if I will participate in any Canadian election that may arise between now and the time when the sun explodes.** The answer, I must assure you, is yes. Although our party is tired from our long campaign last year, and we have lost all our money on slot machines, and we have basically just sat around my office eating junk food until our legs inflated to the point of being able to shelter various third-world countries, we will be ready to campaign AGAIN! However, this is not why I have called you all here. I, along with the rest of the DRV*** Party, are officially entering the exciting election of:
* 1-800-WORSHIP
** 2:32 P.M.
*** Disease-Ridden Vermin
**** Isn't it fun to read all these footnotes?
Before we get started, I just want to point out two links from Ananova, which explain why the Chinese use the same word for crisis as they do for opportunity.
The media has sure been busy this week. This is because the media is always busy. When thermonuclear war wipes out all life on Earth except cockroaches, the cockroaches in media buildings will be busy. They will be busy as bees, crawling all over, and broadcasting new surprising exposes on their favourite lint-covered potato chips, stating that a certain chemical included boosts wing performance. I won't even get into the new President's addresses. But I am thinking of one picture in particular here. Just try and guess. It was on a tabloid. You've heard about it all week.
(PAUSE.)
Yes! That's right! I am of course referring to the headline, "SOLDIER FROZEN IN 1942 IS ALIVE!", which can be seen in supermarkets everywhere. This is a Big Story. Of course, the Weekly World News didn't seem to think "EARTH WILL SPLIT IN HALF IN 2 MONTHS!" was very interesting or important, so it occupies just a small portion of the front page. But you might also have noticed The Sun's picture of Saddam Hussein in his underwear. You couldn't have missed it. Not only was it a front-page story, but it was repeatedly shown on news programs and poked fun at by late-night talk show hosts. We know what you women are thinking: You're thinking that this is an outrage. Not only does this cost Saddam his dignity, but it is a breach of his privacy and therefore poorly demonstrates this American judicial system that we so bravely invaded a country and killed everybody for. We also know what you men are thinking: "How does he get his underwear so clean?" This is a man who was living in a hole without even a miniature television set, and yet compared to your boxers his laundry could be the next David. I have compiled an comparing presentation here.
(NOTE: Presentation is more compatible with Internet Explorer than other browsers. This is a well-known fact. Anybody who has ever read a horoscope knows that in addition to a forecast they make you read through compatibility, which lists obscure explanations, such as "Sagittarius is compatible with Pocahontas because they have a deep understanding with each other. The moon, when rising over Venus, causes Pocahontas to look a little more white, signalling that you should murder the Sagittarius in his sleep. However, if the moon rises over Venus during a solar eclipse, you can just take your Sagittarius mate outside and tell him to look at the beautiful sunset. If it rises over Venus during a lunar eclipse, you should howl at the moon, create a powerful weapon that brings people back from the dead, and lead a vicious bloody battle with hordes of evil flesh-eating zombies. If you cannot create such a weapon, Christopher Lloyd will work just as well. If you feel like it, break into other people's homes while they are sleeping and forcibly remove their kidneys with a flaming..." And so on.)
So how does Saddam get his underwear so clean? Federally-employed homemakers. Women wash all his clothes. If he, or another man, were to do his own laundry it would end up smelling like the New York Sewer System, only slightly worse.
The First Woman
SOURCE: The National Inquirer
The story of the First Woman depends on who you believe, the Darwin version or the Genesis version. I like to believe the Genesis version because of the fear that if I do not the planet may be subject to a direct asteroid hit, leaving the only remains of planet Earth to be satellites with "Made in China" labels.
According to this story, God created a man, named Adam. Adam had a very nice childhood, but was never paid any attention to by ladies. Particularly because there weren't any. So one night, Adam prayed to God. This was surprisingly easy to do, because he knew God's private phone number.*
"God," he said, "I want a wife."
"Yeah?" replied God. "Well, I want a Ferrari but you don't hear me complaining."
So God decided to remove on of Adam's ribs. Adam was not exactly happy about this, particularly because all God had in the way of reference was a copy of Home Surgery for Dummies and a few episodes of ER.
The next day, Adam was sitting in the garden, when he met the most wonderful creature he had ever seen.
"Hello," it said. "My name is Eve."
"Hi, Eve!" exclaimed Adam, overjoyed. "Could you please fold my shirts?"
Luckily for Eve, the first lawyer had just crawled out of the sea. They were divorced in twenty minutes.
But not all was well. One day, God called on Adam and Eve.
"See that tree over there?" he asked, pointing at it with his giant fingers. "Don't eat its apples."
"Why not?" asked Adam.
"Well, um..." said God. "Uh... Because I said so!"
Soon after a snake slithered up to Adam and Eve.
"You know why God doesn't want you to eat his apples?" asked the snake. "It's because these are the fruit of knowledge. Take one bite of these and you shall see the truth: That your hair is dirty and that your fingernails are black and the fact that you each have enormous zits on your nose that could be presented as monsters in black and white Japanese movies."
"Oh, dear God!" screamed Eve. "And OXY won't be invented for thousands of years!"
So they quickly ate the apples.
"I'm naked!" exclaimed Adam. He looked at Eve, who was also naked. "Ooh, this marriage just got interesting!"
God was looking at this through a pair of giant binoculars and gave out a roar that echoed throughout the world.
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" He yelled. "Those were for my wife's bridge game! I hereby condemn each of you to a life of personal hell! Adam! I decree that you be forced to watch sports all year until you die or have seen 1 million people with bones sticking out of their legs!"
"No! Not sports!" Adam cried. "Oh, wait..."
"Eve!" God continued. "I decree that you must fulfill the duties of cooking, cleaning, and all other housework for all eternity!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" she screamed. She turned and pointed to the snake, who was quietly slithering off to hide. "What about him?"
God took out his giant magnifying glass and pointed it over the snake.
"AAAAAGGGHHHH! Oh bugger!" said the snake as the sun burnt him to a crisp.
The point I am trying to make is that what with stories like these, our news is less trustworthy than ever. And thanks to the Internet, totally fake stories can make the real national news. So I don't want any rumours told about me, you people in the media. I'm on to you! Thank you.
The Actual Announcement
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, thank you. I have frequently been asked if I will participate in any Canadian election that may arise between now and the time when the sun explodes.** The answer, I must assure you, is yes. Although our party is tired from our long campaign last year, and we have lost all our money on slot machines, and we have basically just sat around my office eating junk food until our legs inflated to the point of being able to shelter various third-world countries, we will be ready to campaign AGAIN! However, this is not why I have called you all here. I, along with the rest of the DRV*** Party, are officially entering the exciting election of:
YES! For the next few weeks we will be campaigning for Flavour #4: Country Clean, which is actually just composed of mashed-up ferret doots. Country Clean is a nice, relaxed, old-fashioned flavour, with a minimum of disease! Unlike SOME candidates I could mention. (Cough) Tropical! (Cough) Many of you probably don't think I would handle flavouring toothpaste well. Well, let's bring in three famous historical figures and see what THEY say!
"Willy's toothpaste is da BOMB, bros! Ma homies an' I can't get e-NUFF!" --Abraham Lincoln
"Country Clean may sound like a detergent, but it's not!" --Mister Rogers
"Don't buy AND vote for Willy's toothpaste!" --Adolph Hitler
Well? Are you going to listen to HITLER, the man who not only killed gadzillions of Jewish people but who ALSO invented those Toshiba "Accountant Radio" ads? I think not! So vote for the weasel and Country clean, because you KNOW what you will get!
"Willy's toothpaste is da BOMB, bros! Ma homies an' I can't get e-NUFF!" --Abraham Lincoln
"Country Clean may sound like a detergent, but it's not!" --Mister Rogers
"Don't buy AND vote for Willy's toothpaste!" --Adolph Hitler
Well? Are you going to listen to HITLER, the man who not only killed gadzillions of Jewish people but who ALSO invented those Toshiba "Accountant Radio" ads? I think not! So vote for the weasel and Country clean, because you KNOW what you will get!
* 1-800-WORSHIP
** 2:32 P.M.
*** Disease-Ridden Vermin
**** Isn't it fun to read all these footnotes?
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