South to the Sunny Shores of Something Beginning With S
Yes, it's finally May! And you know what that means: Nothing. May is probably the least interesting month. The only reason we even think of May is when we hear the phrase "April showers cause May mass-flooding". And yet, May is one of the most important months of the year! Why, it... Uh, it... Well, I'll think of something. At any rate, now is definitely the time to start planning your summer vacation.
Yes, yes, very funny. But I'm actually serious.
No, really! Please, stop laughing! This is a very serious matter! Your action right NOW means the difference between not getting those Disney World tickets and not even coming close, because all smart vacationers have already been planning their vacations since November, unless of course they have jobs.
Luckily, the Internet is such a widely-used communications tool that now, just with the click of a button, you can completely screw up your reservation and end up going to Pakistan! So, let's get started!
Why should I start planning my vacation now?
Because if you don't start planning now, you won't get anywhere. All the really popular resorts and hotels fill up months in advance, or, in the case of the Disney corporation, years. Some couples with their kids have been waiting in line since 1978, and they are only too happy that Disney installed a college right next to the entrance. The major drawback of this is having to wear those idiotic hats with the black mouse ears sticking out of them. Even Big Al's Giant Snake Swamp (patent pending) is filling up fast.
Q. Why can't I just stay home this summer?
A. Because, in all likelihood, you will melt. One day you will just lie down on the sofa and when someone comes to visit they will find your bubbling remains and you will quite frankly look like one of those Godawful props from the upcoming Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie.
Q. Why can't Ijust stay with my loved ones? My brother is in town, my mother is visiting on a weekly basis, and yesterday my eighteen-year-old daughter actually spoke to me for the first time in four years.
A. This is the psychological phenomenon that has been studied in Area 51 for the last six years. Just think: Your mother arrives and you engage in a discussion about subway tickets or something like that, and then the door rings and you open it, and your brother is at the door, and after showing him in and hugging and eating a few of the muffins he brought, you sit down and talk, and your brother tells you all the things he has been up to lately and why, in comparison, you are talking scum, and then your daughter comes down without a word, and you forcibly ask her to join you, and your mother stares at her nose ring and the other 5000 pieces of metal inserted in her face that, if recycled, could probably build a Chevrolet Aveo, and tell you that back in her day teenagers didn't dress like that and certainly never got their eyeballs pierced and how she had to walk 500 miles to school, uphill, both ways, carrying fifty textbooks and how these kids today probably can't even count to fifty, which, although true, still gets on your nerves and results in a loud, angry grunting sound coming from your daughter, and then she goes on to remind you that she is a much better parent than you are because she used child cruelty and whenever you did something wrong she would make you sit in a tiny box with bloody spikes and this reminds your brother of the time--he just has to share this--that he got so fed up with you when you accidentally broke his G.I. Joe figure that he stuffed you into the refrigerator and left you there for nearly an hour and now, when you really think about this and look back on it and such all you can really do is laugh and the next thing you know, you're cutting them into tiny pieces with a chainsaw.
Q. But isn't taking a vacation too expensive for me?
A. Yes.
Q. Wow! I'm convinced! Planning ahead for a vacation is definitely the way to go!
A. I thought you'd see things my way.
Q. Just, please... Put the knife down...
How and what should I pack for my vacation?
Just remember, you are not moving, you are going to come back eventually. So don't take your entire house when going on vacation: the first or second floor should do just fine.
Q. What should women pack?
A. Women should take extra underwear just in case, as well as extra pairs of everything else women use for various reasons. In addition, women should pack an evening dress, a morning dress, a festive dress, a swimsuit, and just about everything else from your closet.
Q. What should men pack?
A. Socks, shoes, pants, shirts, ties, underwear, a disturbingly small bathing suit, and all the small kitchen appliances his wife couldn't fit in her suitcase.
Q. What will men pack?
A. Golf clubs.
How will I get to the airport?
The most common way is undoubtedly via a taxi. Unfortunately, it is not without its share of problems: for one thing, the driver speaks no English. The driver is always bound to be from some Asian country where they drive 500 miles an hour and have no stop lights and always try to crash into someone else because they view it as a form of entertainment. The driver's schedule is divided as follows:
Half an hour to airport: Pick up passenger, then start moving at extremely high speed. If passenger seems okay about this, go faster. Break sound barrier if necessary.
Twenty minutes to airport: Attempt to take "shortcut" through shopping mall. Slow down by 200 miles per hour so you don't hit Mmmarvellous Mmmuffins.
Fifteen minutes to airport: Slow down to 120 miles per hour so you can take better aim at wheelchair occupants.
Five minutes to airport: Plow through 50 cars causing traffic jam.
Ten minutes late to airport: Speed up by 2000 miles per hour and crash right into wing of plane as it takes off.
Eleven minutes late to airport: Charge passenger $400 000. If passenger dead, send bill in mail.
What to do once you're actually at the airport
GUARD YOUR BAG CAREFULLY. I can't overemphasize this. It is far too often that you hear heartbreaking stories like this played on afternoon talk shows: "We went to this airport in Dallas and I just put my bag down for a second so I could do something useless, such as powdering my nose, or staring blankly at the little person on the men's room door for upwards or twenty minutes, which would have been just as effective, and when I went to pick up my bag again it was GONE! It had my ear medication! [Gasp from crowd. She starts crying.] (Sob.) And my wedding ring! [Gasp from crowd, host.] (Breaking down:) And my CAT! [Gasp from the whole TV studio. The audiences on these shows go through rigorous three-month training exercises designed to make them gasp on cue. When they go home their husbands can never say something like "Honey, I borrowed your nail scissors again. I hope you don't mind." without getting a sharp gasp in return. If he tells her this while they are still driving home from the studio she may drive them off the road.] (Really miserable now:) AND THE AMERICAN AMBASSADOR TO MONGOLIA! [The whole world gasps. This overwhelming force changes the moon's orbit, and it starts heading toward the Earth. After about four hours it eventually lands, red hot, on Herzegovina. So nobody notices.]"
Where did this bag go? Well, it could have been taken by anybody. It could have been taken by somebody nearby who has the same bag and has simply mixed them up. It could have been taken by any one of nearly 8000 thieves in the airport, just waiting for you to drop yours. These people can be easily identified, because they carry up to 350 pounds of other peoples' luggage. If it turns out that these people are not thieves, then they must be smugglers. It could have even been taken by the cleaning personnel, who thought this lady was one of those cardboard cutout signs that usually have little speech bubbles next to them saying, "Read all about this contagious new disease at least one person on your flight is guaranteed to have!" So just be CAREFUL with your bags.
Until your flight takes off, you may find the airport a very boring place. This is why TV was invented. You should find dozens of TV's displaying the latest headlines on CNN. If you do not wish to watch television, there should be a McDonald's or a Burger King or a Wendy's or some other fast-food place that carries foods specifically designed to block your arteries. Some of the larger ones can take upwards of an hour to finish. The ideal burger would be called the "Fatty Patty", which is about the size of a McNugget, but when a single drop of stomach acid hits them, they expand up to the size of a cooler.
What to do once the plane is ready to load
This is the ideal time to decide where you want to go.
Okay, I'm at the hotel. Now what do I do?
TROPICAL DESTINATIONS
There are two main kinds of tropical destinations: (a) Barbadian and (b) Brazilian Death Jungle.
When you are on one of those tiny little islands like Barbados, there are two things you must realise. The first is, of course, that you forgot to lock the front door of the house. The second is that there was no point in coming here. You're going to melt here, too, only much, much faster. The ideal location if you actually wanted to get away from the heat would have been Switzerland. But you're stuck here, so you might as well enjoy yourself. Practically the only thing to do in one of these places is to pick a good beach, as measured by the amount of people being trampled on by other vacationers. Oh, I'm sure some of you would rather explore the "cultural aspects" of the location, but there aren't any. The odd time you actually see a Historical Marker, it looks like this:
This island was originally cultivated by the Ngyska people somewhere around the 16th century. However, upon reaching the early 18th century the island was discovered and found to contain black people. It was quite nearly invaded by the early Canadian settlers, who upon reaching the sunny shores of its fantastic beaches suddenly decided to be stereotypically polite. Their leader, Admiral Bob, led the attack with his famous battle cry: "Would you really mind if we came in here and stole all the food and killed all the women and imprisoned all the children and enslaved the men? You would? All right, bye." And then he and his men would sail back, satisfied that if he hadn't asked he might have inconvenienced them. The next day it was conquered by the Spanish. On this spot the very next week, the worst battle in the nation's history was fought when the Spanish, armed with slightly inaccurate firearms, fought the rebel slaves, armed with corn...
...and so on. So there's nothing to do but sit on the beach drinking martinis all day.
In contrast, the Jungle is more interesting, because it contains incredibly large snakes, vampire bats, and insects the size of Jack Russell Terriers. There's also the satisfaction of knowing you'll never have to pay your bills again, because you'll be dead after three minutes.
EXPENSIVE
The obvious example of this is Disney World, which is always being advertised by kids jumping up and down on beds, like this is the most exciting thing imaginable. "Yaaaaaay!!!" they say. "We're going to lose our house! YAAAAY!!!"
Well, today we're not going to talk about the inside of Disney World, because it quite frankly reminds me of a tragic story I heard a few years ago that may have happened there involving 500 000 shrieking robots. Also I have never been there. Let us instead consider the problem of:
Getting into a popular theme park or resort on less than $3999.95 a day
Well, let us consider, say, Disney World. You know your kids are going to have a Fun Time at Disney World! Yay! All the excitement! All the people! All the money you will owe various gangsters for years afterward!
Because paying for the average family (let's say, three adults and three children) generally costs more than a President's funeral, especially if you stay at the Hotel of the Giant Scary Disney Characters. Sure, it sounds cheap enough if you listen to one of those cretin commercials they play:
(SCENE: It's Thanksgiving Dinner in that huge castle thing. Mickey, Donald and Goofy are sitting at the table. Suddenly, Minnie Mouse bursts in.)
MINNIE: Oh, NO! The turkey is on fire!
ALL: Oh, no!
MINNIE: There goes the main course!
MICKEY: How can we have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner without cooking the bird.
(Pause.)
(Slowly, everyone looks at Donald.)
DONALD: What?
(SCENE: It is one hour later, and Minnie, Mickey and Goofy are enjoying the plump Thanksgiving Bird. Suddenly, Mickey starts coughing and eventually spits out a white duck feather.)
Wait! I'm sorry! That was a scene from a particularly good dream I had one night back in 2002!
(SCENE: A living room. Suddenly the dog stares at the entrance. Five minutes later, convinced there is nothing special about this particular doorway and that maybe one of the other doorways will look different this time around, he looks in a different direction. Suddenly, children burst in and start jumping up and down on the furniture in slow motion. Music from The Jungle Book plays.)
ANNOUNCER: They can't believe they're going on a Walt Disney World vacation.
(SCENE: Bedroom. Parents are doing the same thing, except on the floor, and one of them is holding a VISA bill.)
ANNOUNCER: And they can't believe they're getting a package priced at par.
(Suddenly Mom sees a little mousehole. Thinking quickly, she stops bouncing up and down, and gets some mousetraps.)
(SCENE: Fifteen minutes later. Mickey walks out of his hole.
MICKEY: Mmm--MMM! What is that intoxicating aroma?
(He notices the cheese for apparently the first time.)
MICKEY: Why, it's cheese! How nice! Someone must care for me an awful lot to leave such a surprise!
(He picks up the cheese. Suddenly, the trap springs, and Mickey is horribly
No! Sorry! Really! I didn't mean for it to come out that way! I respect the Disney characters! I don't care that their commercials are awful! I routinely purchase their fine merchandise and am even thinking of assembling a cult to sit in a large gymnasium somewhere and worship it all day! I love the Disney corporation and I want to have its babies! Please don't sue!
Anyway, to price this trip I went to Ask Jeeves. Jeeves is, as both our readers know, the butler at www.ask.com, which in recent months has solved all my web dilemmas from the best place to buy Tic Tacs in bulk to where I left my car keys. The latter is part of a newer service called Ask Jeeves Local, where you can search only for results concerning your area. Apparently they know quite a lot about me. For example:
Anyway, the cheapest site I found after the maybe seven seconds I spent glancing at the results page was from a company who offered tickets starting from just $25. This has two major flaws:
1. You have to wait in line every day to get in, because the hotel is, quote, "near" Disney World. This is like saying Toronto is "near" Ottawa, because in all likelihood the hotel will be several towns away, or possibly even in Georgia.
2. This is for two adult passes. That's right: The only people who can actually enter the area are, ironically, the two members of the family who would rather be home, or in a giant blender.
These are not ideal choices. So let us look at the official price. When I visited the Official Website, I was immediately confronted with Lucky the Dinosaur. This is, apparently, some sort of lucky dinosaur. This was a Flash animation detailing the various attractions of the park, including something called "Cinderellabration" in Tokyo. This proves that they are definitely on a lower rung on the social ladder than China, which hosts the Pig Olympics. (Really! Look it up!)
As I looked at sample pictures of the twenty-five different resorts I can choose from, I faced a recurring theme: Walt Disney World is full of the worst architecture I have ever personally seen. And there is so much to choose from! For this scenario I picked Disney's Pop Century Resort, which has probably the ugliest colour scheme in the entire park and is therefore going to be almost totally deserted. Of course, this also meant I had to kill two people of my party, because the maximum occupancy of any given room in there is four. I decided to kill two of the adults: had I decided to kill even one of the children I would get the death sentence. After selecting the seven-day pass with none of the options that would allow me to save money if I ever lost a large portion of my brain and wanted to go again, my package total came to a total of $1627.78!* What a bargain! It's even more of a bargain when you consider that the * points to a footnote indicating that the Disney corporation is not responsible for anything.
Just to make things difficult, I added air transportation. The way this works is, Disney pilots are circling your area every second, just waiting for the order to land. Once you place your order, they land right in front of your house to pick you up. Although sometimes they land on your neighbour's house. If you live in an apartment building, this can be a problem. If you are ever trapped in an abandoned coal mine with carbon monoxide problems fifteen miles underground, you should order air transportation from Disney. They will get you out.
They now offer me three choices of plane, based on the preferences I have saved that indicate that I want to stay in the Orlando area until I die. The so-called Best Price is from Spirit Airlines, and is non-refundable. It is also a nonstop flight, so if you have to go to the bathroom I suggest you do it beforehand. The pilot never wants you to barge up to him in the cockpit, complaining.
PASSENGER: Come on! Land! I have to pee!
PILOT: I'm sorry, sir, but--
PASSENGER: I'll go in here!
PILOT: Sir, please! There's a bathroom right the--
PASSENGER: I sure hope this is an absorbent carpet!
PILOT: This is Spirit Airlines Flight 209, making an emergency landing.
(The pilot is walking the man to the bathroom. Of course, the passenger insists the pilot wait outside the stall. Two burly men walk in.)
PILOT: Hey, Bob, my friend who is just using this stall at the moment! How's it going in there! I'm not a pervert!
(Silence. The men look at each other and leave. Bob walks out of the stall.)
PASSENGER: I... I don't have to go anymore.
(Back on the plane. Bob is still hassling the pilot.)
PASSENGER: I'm BORED!
PILOT: Well, sir, there is an in-flight movie.
PASSENGER: Are we there yet?
...and so on, until the joke eventually wears off and I am forced to go back to whatever it is I do.
So there you have it! You don't have to be rich to go on a great vacation! You don't, for that matter need to pack anything, go anywhere, or do anything! You might as well just stay home! I don't remember why I put you through this in the first place!
Yes, yes, very funny. But I'm actually serious.
No, really! Please, stop laughing! This is a very serious matter! Your action right NOW means the difference between not getting those Disney World tickets and not even coming close, because all smart vacationers have already been planning their vacations since November, unless of course they have jobs.
Luckily, the Internet is such a widely-used communications tool that now, just with the click of a button, you can completely screw up your reservation and end up going to Pakistan! So, let's get started!
Why should I start planning my vacation now?
Because if you don't start planning now, you won't get anywhere. All the really popular resorts and hotels fill up months in advance, or, in the case of the Disney corporation, years. Some couples with their kids have been waiting in line since 1978, and they are only too happy that Disney installed a college right next to the entrance. The major drawback of this is having to wear those idiotic hats with the black mouse ears sticking out of them. Even Big Al's Giant Snake Swamp (patent pending) is filling up fast.
Q. Why can't I just stay home this summer?
A. Because, in all likelihood, you will melt. One day you will just lie down on the sofa and when someone comes to visit they will find your bubbling remains and you will quite frankly look like one of those Godawful props from the upcoming Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie.
Q. Why can't Ijust stay with my loved ones? My brother is in town, my mother is visiting on a weekly basis, and yesterday my eighteen-year-old daughter actually spoke to me for the first time in four years.
A. This is the psychological phenomenon that has been studied in Area 51 for the last six years. Just think: Your mother arrives and you engage in a discussion about subway tickets or something like that, and then the door rings and you open it, and your brother is at the door, and after showing him in and hugging and eating a few of the muffins he brought, you sit down and talk, and your brother tells you all the things he has been up to lately and why, in comparison, you are talking scum, and then your daughter comes down without a word, and you forcibly ask her to join you, and your mother stares at her nose ring and the other 5000 pieces of metal inserted in her face that, if recycled, could probably build a Chevrolet Aveo, and tell you that back in her day teenagers didn't dress like that and certainly never got their eyeballs pierced and how she had to walk 500 miles to school, uphill, both ways, carrying fifty textbooks and how these kids today probably can't even count to fifty, which, although true, still gets on your nerves and results in a loud, angry grunting sound coming from your daughter, and then she goes on to remind you that she is a much better parent than you are because she used child cruelty and whenever you did something wrong she would make you sit in a tiny box with bloody spikes and this reminds your brother of the time--he just has to share this--that he got so fed up with you when you accidentally broke his G.I. Joe figure that he stuffed you into the refrigerator and left you there for nearly an hour and now, when you really think about this and look back on it and such all you can really do is laugh and the next thing you know, you're cutting them into tiny pieces with a chainsaw.
Q. But isn't taking a vacation too expensive for me?
A. Yes.
Q. Wow! I'm convinced! Planning ahead for a vacation is definitely the way to go!
A. I thought you'd see things my way.
Q. Just, please... Put the knife down...
How and what should I pack for my vacation?
Just remember, you are not moving, you are going to come back eventually. So don't take your entire house when going on vacation: the first or second floor should do just fine.
Q. What should women pack?
A. Women should take extra underwear just in case, as well as extra pairs of everything else women use for various reasons. In addition, women should pack an evening dress, a morning dress, a festive dress, a swimsuit, and just about everything else from your closet.
Q. What should men pack?
A. Socks, shoes, pants, shirts, ties, underwear, a disturbingly small bathing suit, and all the small kitchen appliances his wife couldn't fit in her suitcase.
Q. What will men pack?
A. Golf clubs.
How will I get to the airport?
The most common way is undoubtedly via a taxi. Unfortunately, it is not without its share of problems: for one thing, the driver speaks no English. The driver is always bound to be from some Asian country where they drive 500 miles an hour and have no stop lights and always try to crash into someone else because they view it as a form of entertainment. The driver's schedule is divided as follows:
Half an hour to airport: Pick up passenger, then start moving at extremely high speed. If passenger seems okay about this, go faster. Break sound barrier if necessary.
Twenty minutes to airport: Attempt to take "shortcut" through shopping mall. Slow down by 200 miles per hour so you don't hit Mmmarvellous Mmmuffins.
Fifteen minutes to airport: Slow down to 120 miles per hour so you can take better aim at wheelchair occupants.
Five minutes to airport: Plow through 50 cars causing traffic jam.
Ten minutes late to airport: Speed up by 2000 miles per hour and crash right into wing of plane as it takes off.
Eleven minutes late to airport: Charge passenger $400 000. If passenger dead, send bill in mail.
What to do once you're actually at the airport
GUARD YOUR BAG CAREFULLY. I can't overemphasize this. It is far too often that you hear heartbreaking stories like this played on afternoon talk shows: "We went to this airport in Dallas and I just put my bag down for a second so I could do something useless, such as powdering my nose, or staring blankly at the little person on the men's room door for upwards or twenty minutes, which would have been just as effective, and when I went to pick up my bag again it was GONE! It had my ear medication! [Gasp from crowd. She starts crying.] (Sob.) And my wedding ring! [Gasp from crowd, host.] (Breaking down:) And my CAT! [Gasp from the whole TV studio. The audiences on these shows go through rigorous three-month training exercises designed to make them gasp on cue. When they go home their husbands can never say something like "Honey, I borrowed your nail scissors again. I hope you don't mind." without getting a sharp gasp in return. If he tells her this while they are still driving home from the studio she may drive them off the road.] (Really miserable now:) AND THE AMERICAN AMBASSADOR TO MONGOLIA! [The whole world gasps. This overwhelming force changes the moon's orbit, and it starts heading toward the Earth. After about four hours it eventually lands, red hot, on Herzegovina. So nobody notices.]"
Where did this bag go? Well, it could have been taken by anybody. It could have been taken by somebody nearby who has the same bag and has simply mixed them up. It could have been taken by any one of nearly 8000 thieves in the airport, just waiting for you to drop yours. These people can be easily identified, because they carry up to 350 pounds of other peoples' luggage. If it turns out that these people are not thieves, then they must be smugglers. It could have even been taken by the cleaning personnel, who thought this lady was one of those cardboard cutout signs that usually have little speech bubbles next to them saying, "Read all about this contagious new disease at least one person on your flight is guaranteed to have!" So just be CAREFUL with your bags.
Until your flight takes off, you may find the airport a very boring place. This is why TV was invented. You should find dozens of TV's displaying the latest headlines on CNN. If you do not wish to watch television, there should be a McDonald's or a Burger King or a Wendy's or some other fast-food place that carries foods specifically designed to block your arteries. Some of the larger ones can take upwards of an hour to finish. The ideal burger would be called the "Fatty Patty", which is about the size of a McNugget, but when a single drop of stomach acid hits them, they expand up to the size of a cooler.
What to do once the plane is ready to load
This is the ideal time to decide where you want to go.
Okay, I'm at the hotel. Now what do I do?
TROPICAL DESTINATIONS
There are two main kinds of tropical destinations: (a) Barbadian and (b) Brazilian Death Jungle.
When you are on one of those tiny little islands like Barbados, there are two things you must realise. The first is, of course, that you forgot to lock the front door of the house. The second is that there was no point in coming here. You're going to melt here, too, only much, much faster. The ideal location if you actually wanted to get away from the heat would have been Switzerland. But you're stuck here, so you might as well enjoy yourself. Practically the only thing to do in one of these places is to pick a good beach, as measured by the amount of people being trampled on by other vacationers. Oh, I'm sure some of you would rather explore the "cultural aspects" of the location, but there aren't any. The odd time you actually see a Historical Marker, it looks like this:
This island was originally cultivated by the Ngyska people somewhere around the 16th century. However, upon reaching the early 18th century the island was discovered and found to contain black people. It was quite nearly invaded by the early Canadian settlers, who upon reaching the sunny shores of its fantastic beaches suddenly decided to be stereotypically polite. Their leader, Admiral Bob, led the attack with his famous battle cry: "Would you really mind if we came in here and stole all the food and killed all the women and imprisoned all the children and enslaved the men? You would? All right, bye." And then he and his men would sail back, satisfied that if he hadn't asked he might have inconvenienced them. The next day it was conquered by the Spanish. On this spot the very next week, the worst battle in the nation's history was fought when the Spanish, armed with slightly inaccurate firearms, fought the rebel slaves, armed with corn...
...and so on. So there's nothing to do but sit on the beach drinking martinis all day.
In contrast, the Jungle is more interesting, because it contains incredibly large snakes, vampire bats, and insects the size of Jack Russell Terriers. There's also the satisfaction of knowing you'll never have to pay your bills again, because you'll be dead after three minutes.
EXPENSIVE
The obvious example of this is Disney World, which is always being advertised by kids jumping up and down on beds, like this is the most exciting thing imaginable. "Yaaaaaay!!!" they say. "We're going to lose our house! YAAAAY!!!"
Well, today we're not going to talk about the inside of Disney World, because it quite frankly reminds me of a tragic story I heard a few years ago that may have happened there involving 500 000 shrieking robots. Also I have never been there. Let us instead consider the problem of:
Getting into a popular theme park or resort on less than $3999.95 a day
Well, let us consider, say, Disney World. You know your kids are going to have a Fun Time at Disney World! Yay! All the excitement! All the people! All the money you will owe various gangsters for years afterward!
Because paying for the average family (let's say, three adults and three children) generally costs more than a President's funeral, especially if you stay at the Hotel of the Giant Scary Disney Characters. Sure, it sounds cheap enough if you listen to one of those cretin commercials they play:
(SCENE: It's Thanksgiving Dinner in that huge castle thing. Mickey, Donald and Goofy are sitting at the table. Suddenly, Minnie Mouse bursts in.)
MINNIE: Oh, NO! The turkey is on fire!
ALL: Oh, no!
MINNIE: There goes the main course!
MICKEY: How can we have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner without cooking the bird.
(Pause.)
(Slowly, everyone looks at Donald.)
DONALD: What?
(SCENE: It is one hour later, and Minnie, Mickey and Goofy are enjoying the plump Thanksgiving Bird. Suddenly, Mickey starts coughing and eventually spits out a white duck feather.)
Wait! I'm sorry! That was a scene from a particularly good dream I had one night back in 2002!
(SCENE: A living room. Suddenly the dog stares at the entrance. Five minutes later, convinced there is nothing special about this particular doorway and that maybe one of the other doorways will look different this time around, he looks in a different direction. Suddenly, children burst in and start jumping up and down on the furniture in slow motion. Music from The Jungle Book plays.)
ANNOUNCER: They can't believe they're going on a Walt Disney World vacation.
(SCENE: Bedroom. Parents are doing the same thing, except on the floor, and one of them is holding a VISA bill.)
ANNOUNCER: And they can't believe they're getting a package priced at par.
(Suddenly Mom sees a little mousehole. Thinking quickly, she stops bouncing up and down, and gets some mousetraps.)
(SCENE: Fifteen minutes later. Mickey walks out of his hole.
MICKEY: Mmm--MMM! What is that intoxicating aroma?
(He notices the cheese for apparently the first time.)
MICKEY: Why, it's cheese! How nice! Someone must care for me an awful lot to leave such a surprise!
(He picks up the cheese. Suddenly, the trap springs, and Mickey is horribly
No! Sorry! Really! I didn't mean for it to come out that way! I respect the Disney characters! I don't care that their commercials are awful! I routinely purchase their fine merchandise and am even thinking of assembling a cult to sit in a large gymnasium somewhere and worship it all day! I love the Disney corporation and I want to have its babies! Please don't sue!
Anyway, to price this trip I went to Ask Jeeves. Jeeves is, as both our readers know, the butler at www.ask.com, which in recent months has solved all my web dilemmas from the best place to buy Tic Tacs in bulk to where I left my car keys. The latter is part of a newer service called Ask Jeeves Local, where you can search only for results concerning your area. Apparently they know quite a lot about me. For example:
Anyway, the cheapest site I found after the maybe seven seconds I spent glancing at the results page was from a company who offered tickets starting from just $25. This has two major flaws:
1. You have to wait in line every day to get in, because the hotel is, quote, "near" Disney World. This is like saying Toronto is "near" Ottawa, because in all likelihood the hotel will be several towns away, or possibly even in Georgia.
2. This is for two adult passes. That's right: The only people who can actually enter the area are, ironically, the two members of the family who would rather be home, or in a giant blender.
These are not ideal choices. So let us look at the official price. When I visited the Official Website, I was immediately confronted with Lucky the Dinosaur. This is, apparently, some sort of lucky dinosaur. This was a Flash animation detailing the various attractions of the park, including something called "Cinderellabration" in Tokyo. This proves that they are definitely on a lower rung on the social ladder than China, which hosts the Pig Olympics. (Really! Look it up!)
As I looked at sample pictures of the twenty-five different resorts I can choose from, I faced a recurring theme: Walt Disney World is full of the worst architecture I have ever personally seen. And there is so much to choose from! For this scenario I picked Disney's Pop Century Resort, which has probably the ugliest colour scheme in the entire park and is therefore going to be almost totally deserted. Of course, this also meant I had to kill two people of my party, because the maximum occupancy of any given room in there is four. I decided to kill two of the adults: had I decided to kill even one of the children I would get the death sentence. After selecting the seven-day pass with none of the options that would allow me to save money if I ever lost a large portion of my brain and wanted to go again, my package total came to a total of $1627.78!* What a bargain! It's even more of a bargain when you consider that the * points to a footnote indicating that the Disney corporation is not responsible for anything.
Just to make things difficult, I added air transportation. The way this works is, Disney pilots are circling your area every second, just waiting for the order to land. Once you place your order, they land right in front of your house to pick you up. Although sometimes they land on your neighbour's house. If you live in an apartment building, this can be a problem. If you are ever trapped in an abandoned coal mine with carbon monoxide problems fifteen miles underground, you should order air transportation from Disney. They will get you out.
They now offer me three choices of plane, based on the preferences I have saved that indicate that I want to stay in the Orlando area until I die. The so-called Best Price is from Spirit Airlines, and is non-refundable. It is also a nonstop flight, so if you have to go to the bathroom I suggest you do it beforehand. The pilot never wants you to barge up to him in the cockpit, complaining.
PASSENGER: Come on! Land! I have to pee!
PILOT: I'm sorry, sir, but--
PASSENGER: I'll go in here!
PILOT: Sir, please! There's a bathroom right the--
PASSENGER: I sure hope this is an absorbent carpet!
PILOT: This is Spirit Airlines Flight 209, making an emergency landing.
(The pilot is walking the man to the bathroom. Of course, the passenger insists the pilot wait outside the stall. Two burly men walk in.)
PILOT: Hey, Bob, my friend who is just using this stall at the moment! How's it going in there! I'm not a pervert!
(Silence. The men look at each other and leave. Bob walks out of the stall.)
PASSENGER: I... I don't have to go anymore.
(Back on the plane. Bob is still hassling the pilot.)
PASSENGER: I'm BORED!
PILOT: Well, sir, there is an in-flight movie.
PASSENGER: Are we there yet?
...and so on, until the joke eventually wears off and I am forced to go back to whatever it is I do.
So there you have it! You don't have to be rich to go on a great vacation! You don't, for that matter need to pack anything, go anywhere, or do anything! You might as well just stay home! I don't remember why I put you through this in the first place!
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