Dear sir/madam:

With all due respect, are you insane? You have to stop creating phones with so many features! My best friend Pete was using one of your new phones at a bus station, and he tried to change a setting, and he got the camera phone feature. So he pressed some more buttons and got no results. And some more. And some more. The last I heard, he was in a mental hospital making grunting noises and still trying to change the clock on his cell phone.

Sincerely,
Bob B. Buxington


To Whom It May Concern:

Just what kind of stunt are you trying to pull here? Shame on you! Why I ought to fire you RIGHT NOW, you know that? You're a disgrace! Now, send this to whoever is in charge of safety testing, okay. Why are you crying?! If there's one thing I can't stand it's people who cry! That's better. Now, just SEND IT!
Hi there, Norm! I just wanted to give you a quick note telling you that you're fired. I worked hard to get where I am today, and I'm not about to let you screw it up by your lazy approach and unearthly smell. These cell phones you have passed on your safety tests are deathtraps, you know that?! My best friend Pete was using one while he was driving, and then while he was trying to find the ring-tone that plays the Mexican Hat song he lost concentration and drove his car right into a dumpster. As it happened, that dumpster had just recently been taken over by international terrorists, and I won't tell you exactly how he escaped, but I think he lost some of his brain, because now he bought a motorcycle and joined a gang-I'm sorry, "social group"-and every time I see him at the mall now he seems to have other people's blood on his jacket. And it's ALL YOUR FAULT! Now get out of here before I REALLY lose my temper, maggot!

Best Wishes,
The President of Whatever Company This Is


And, of course, you can't go wrong with:


To Whom It May Concern:

Stop selling phones or I'll kill your spouse.

Insincerely,
Bob "The Lobster" Buxington